My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
