When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
and she was petting her beer can
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
