i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
please come you make the beer taste better
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
