overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
