Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I queefed so loud it echoed.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
