I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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