to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
