and you said cock pushups were impossible
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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