Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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