You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
