I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
