Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
