I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
