I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
ok first of all what the fuck
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
