Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
