i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
