So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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