I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
