my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Bring me that man meat
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
