Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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