I have demons in me.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
