I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
