I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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