after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
