at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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