my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
