There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
