update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
