So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
