My sheets look like a crime scene.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
