Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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