I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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