I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
