it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
