Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
