We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
