oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
