Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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