Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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