I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
