I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
