I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
