My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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