i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
