you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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