and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
