A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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