I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
