What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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