I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
