he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
